惨淡无聊的生活

224 Dreams, Frustrations and the Absurd


The dreams I am going to talk about are dreams in the literal sense, not ambitions or ideals.

For me, dreams can be wonderful, but sometimes they can be extremely frustrating. In fact, frustrating dreams impress me more than wonderful dreams do. One major recurrent theme in my frustrating dreams is being late for school. This is intriguing because I cannot even recall a single instance of being late for school in my real life, excluding undergraduate time of course.

There are two major variants in my being late dream. The first variant is that many things happened to me, preventing me from even getting out of my home, let alone going to school. All kinds of annoying things could delay me, such as not being able to find the textbooks. In the second variant, the situation was ridiculous. The bus I took (in real life I didn’t take bus to school, I always walked) did not arrive at the right station. There were a lot of things on the way distracting me. Sometimes I could not recognized the correct routes to school. Sometimes, the whole city was restructuring itself to work against me! This is plainly absurd! When I read Kafka’s novels, like the Castle and the Trial, I was amazed that the frustrating situations encountered by protagonist resemble to the situations in being late dreams. The short story the Metamorphosis, also by Kafka, provides another good example. The protagonist woke up one day and found himself transformed into a insect-like creature, but he still tried to tackle the situation like he did before. At the end he died.

Those dreams also reminded me of a philosophical concept, the Absurd. While there are many versions of the definition for absurd, I prefer the one used by Albert Camus, in his book The Myth of Sisyphus. (Translated loosely from the Chinese version) The Absurd is the conflict between man’s desire to understand the world and the world’s silent refusal to be understood. This silent refusal sometimes may resemble a invisible hand preventing you from achieving anything significant, like I being kept from arriving on time for school in my dreams. I also like the way Sartre phrased the Absurd. He said, (also translated loosely from the Chinese version) Absurd is a state that there are no sufficient reasons for everything in the world to exist in the way they are; everything is contingent.

The second kinds of frustrating dreams can be roughly described in the following sentences. In the dream, I remembered there were something interesting, such as things and books, in a particular place and I was going there to buy it. When I arrived at the destination, I could not spot the thing I desired. Then I discovered something similar but less desirable, so I continued searching for something better. As I searched, the interesting but less desirable books or the items started to transform something mundane. In the end, everything at the place lost their appeals. I cannot find a word to express my frustrations at that moment. The interpretation of this type of dream is actually quite ordinary. It is just the reflection of my hesitation when facing potentially important decisions.

I just checked the site stats. It is still in the well of gravity, so I offer a bonus to my readers who took pain to go through the paragraphs above. I will describe my most frustrating “spring” dream. I will skip the offensive details. So there were me and another female. We were going to have some action. As I stripped off her clothes, her breasts transformed to a flat male chest before I could even touch them. Similarly, the female genitals transformed into male genitals. Could you imagine a situation which is more frustrating than that?

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223 damage


Things can be ironic. On the one hand, I hope my blog can be as influential as possible, on the other hand, I hope the damage inflicted by some of my articles is minimal. In fact, it is more easier to do damage than having positive influence on others.

I complained a lot in the early days of my blog. The first few articles in this blog actually did quite a lot of damage. In an article which was deleted long ago, I complained about my life in the primary school and claimed that some of my classmates should be held responsible for my misery. I forgot what I wrote until one day I invited one of my former classmates to visit my blog. Immediately she expressed her anger because she was one of the classmates I resented in that article. That was really unexpected.

So these days from time to time I will check my previous articles to see if there are anything damaging, including comments on former classmates, or teachers. If any article was found inappropriate, I will edit it or just directly remove them.

In the first year of my university life, many of my former classmates didn’t seem to understand the difference between UST and any ordinary universities in mainland, except that the tuition fee of UST is much higher. While in some middle schools in GZ, graduates who were admitted by UST, CU or HKU were treated as “celebrities”, I didn’t get any treatment from my middle school. I was so upset then and after some former classmates repeatedly shown interest in the amount of tuition fee I paid, I went so far as to verbally attack them. I don’t want to mention the results. Why did I care about these? After all, I was a person who would go after vanity.

In retrospect, this is really unnecessarily damaging. In fact, I could have done many things much better…

Don’t you think Sunday night is a bit depressing?

222 My Frustration as a Blog Writer(2)


I am writing this in a slightly depressed state.
The Great Firewall imposed by the Chinese government should also share some blame for my blog’s obscurity. These days GFW is blocking my handful of readers off my blog (it seems all wordpress blogs get the same treatment). Even when it is not blocked, the crappy Internet connection in Mainland can be so bad that it can be considered effectively blocked. Once I tried writing in Sina blog. Censorship in mainland is so annoying that I don’t bother to do it. This is the link to my blog on Sina which has not been updated for a while : http://blog.sina.com.cn/cain1jw.

Though my major is physics, I seldom wrote anything about it, nor did I write anything about science. Mostly I wrote about philosophy. Not long ago I realized I didn’t and still don’t know much about philosophy. I will avoid writing philosophy from now on and will only write things that I am familiar. These days I rarely had the urge to write, which is a symptom of mild depression.

The reason why I care my blog so much is that I was not popular and I am still not popular. If you think this reason is a bit shallow, I will immediately provide you another one: my world is always small. I don’t know why but I am always ending up living in a small world, so small that sometimes I felt suffocated. My blog should have been a door to a larger world but my blog has failed me.

So frustrating… so depressing…

221 My Frustration as a Blog Writer


Recent views statistics of my blog shows that I am at the lowest point in my entire blog-writing history. I cannot help complaining.
I treat blog-writing as an important part of my life, so obscurity is definitely not what I want.

But this time I will try to analyze what leads to my frustration:

In the early days of my blog writing, I received much encouragement from my friends, my classmates and even my mother. This is good. But in retrospect, as a starting blog writer, besides encouragements, what I need most is feedback. Without feedbacks I cannot improve. Without feedbacks I don’t know what should I write and how should I write. It’s true that I have got some feedbacks, though very few in number. I have submitted two articles to the mainland student-run magazine, and both of them got accepted. I was glad that they were accepted, but what the hell? I got zero feedback! That was a very frustrating experience for which I don’t write for that magazine anymore. Just a waste of time.

Anyway, besides that visitor who routinely wrote me tons of comments, very seldom did I get useful feedback, and without feedback I cannot go any further.

I am so frustrated I cannot write any more.

220 回到原点


我总喜欢刷wordpress的site states,查看最近的访问量。最近几月的访问量很低,似乎是从开始写博以来最低的时段,使得我忍不住说:“由于访问量太少,博主认为不值得再为此花费精神,因此宣布停博。”因为读者太少而收笔合情合理,而且我也是特别在意自己写的东西是否有人看的人,也许这个博客应该就此结束?想了想。不会的。因为我的状态和我创博的时候没什么分别:不幸福、不满足。

最常见的一种幸福观是,我们(特别是像我这样可以经常在网上闲逛的人)拥有这么多,而许多人甚至连一些我们认为理所当然的东西也没有,所以我们应该觉得幸福,至少应该感恩。如果我们还敢说自己不幸福,家长们也许会跳出来介绍他们的历史。我承认,从反右和文革幸存下来的每个人都很不了起,但这一切都不能成为感到幸福的理由。有些人兜售这么一种幸福观,即从自己身边的人的相对优越感里获取幸福。这有个很大的漏洞,即许多人注定没有幸福。有人举例说明,存在这么一种情况,其中每个人相对其他人都有一种优越感,于是每个人都能感到幸福。我不知道他有没有留意到在他的例子里每个人的优越感都是幻觉,于是他们的幸福也是幻觉。我再提供一种幸福观:你应该因为有人嫉妒你这个事实而感到幸福⋯⋯什么?为自己的优越条件而高兴,这种将近幸灾乐祸的感觉能够当作幸福?因自己拥有太多的愧疚感能够当作幸福?优越感能当作幸福?那种屁民式的侥幸能够当作幸福?这所有的幸福观都有一种致命的弱点,因为幸福跟别人的人生无关,比较不能产生幸福。幸福感应该是这么一种感觉,即一天完结,你觉得如果接下来的人生都和今天一模一样,这一生值了,这就是幸福。当我回忆起来,我似乎找不到一点幸福的痕迹。 继续阅读

144


lang的dicussion终于完结了,feedback是3个very good,高兴了2个小时左右吧,然后情绪又开始回落了。一则在polung的堂3个very good实在不算什么,二来想到期末考试的压力都很大,因为期中有两科都考得爆差,直接给期末制造压力。

看完了《谍中谍》,故事峰回路转,可是人物塑造就比较失败。可能是要配合剧情的关系,纵观整部电影来看,所有人,包括主角,都是变色龙,又或者太过单薄。总之角色都缺乏说服力。Tom Cruise的表演水平虽说不差,但没什么出彩的地方(其实汤哥主演的大部分电影都是这种情况)。整部电影也缺少能让人记住的经典台词。

133 继续咳嗽


感冒算是好了,但感冒的后遗症咳嗽依然,甚至变得更坏。睡觉不再是件能好好享受的东西,床垫是另一个战场,关了灯盖上被子进入另一场战斗:与咳嗽斗谁先累的战斗。当咳药水只有安定的作用而没有止咳的作用,当吃药变为像是基督徒祈祷一样的例行公事,我才又一次领略到(我的)人生的无助。记得高三那次绵延长久的支气管炎。开始也只是感冒之后的小咳嗽,逐渐发展到会影响睡眠。再到某一晚,咳嗽到了完全无法入睡的地步,每一次咳嗽到把即将进入梦乡的我拉回外部世界。无法入睡,于是看看书等到超级疲倦的时候再尝试入睡,可惜尝试几次无果。最后,我带着无比复杂的心情,带着着对运气不佳的无奈,对自己纸一样的体质的憎恨,和对高三紧张学业的担忧,在阳台来回踱步到天明,看了人生中印象最深的一个日出。周周转转打了很多次吊针终于不咳了,却让身体虚弱到头晕得像是坐在暴风雨的小舟上一般。头晕的时候也正是物理月考的时候。不断地调整头的位置直到找到相对较舒适不那么晕的位置,这样才得以坚持考完。

自从感冒以来,越发地感到世界与自己无关,使我这个本身就孤独游离的人变得更加孤独游离。最近跟别人说发低烧的感觉很奇特,飘飘忽忽,感觉世界的节奏慢了。后来发现自己大错特错,居然把发烧的感觉与吃含有安定成分的药之后的感觉搞混了,并且生病并没有使我感到在责任上一丝一毫的释放。真正的感觉应该是焦急、憎恨和嫉妒。焦急的是自己的学业。憎恨的是命运的不公,本来自己就不聪明,基础又不好,居然还被剥夺了期中前努力的机会。嫉妒的是为什么别人那么健康,为什么别人感冒这么快就结束,为什么别人的咳嗽总是没有自己的严重。对于上述后两个感觉也只好认命,就好像自己的听力不好,在LG5、LG7吃饭时周遭人们的谈话听起来就像鸟语一样。我希望大家有一点想象力,因为没有想象力的人通常就不能设身处地地想,就好象健康的人往往觉得病痛没什么睡不好觉没什么,因而对病患说起话来经常带一种责备的语气。想象一下,你坐在一群熟人中间,当中某人绘声绘色地讲了个黄色笑话,然后大家都会心地笑起来,你却没听懂几个字,这是多么令人沮丧的场合!我就被这个问题困扰了很长一段时间。我一直认为是自己没有努力地听,于是吃饭时都处于高度紧张的状态试图听清对方在说什么,后来承认自己听力就是差,就有点释然了,听不懂也不再强求,别人笑自己也跟着笑一下。

The Fifth Weekend


新读者
不知道肥麟有什么样的绝顶功夫,第一次参观我的space就让他扫描到了《随笔:本真生存》这一篇的“竟也开始羡慕起周围的couples……回想起初中时的自己:独来独往,神出鬼没,总是向附近的couples露出不屑的表情……”一句。想来他必定是那些一心想在最正经的小说里找到一些“令人遐想”的字句的人。不过我必须奉劝大家,像他那样来看我的space会漏掉很多精华,而我也不会在space里写那些无聊分子感兴趣的隐私。而我之所以写“羡慕couples”,就已经表明我羡慕没羡慕couples不是值得大家去探究的隐秘。
另外董某终于识别了我的space,虽然我从来不认为我做过什么去隐藏我的身份。
LJ也加入了space大军(请看旁边那个列表)。生物奥林匹克
本周二下午校内选拔赛,题目很多不会
这绝对不能怪我不努力,这完全是客观条件造成的。像七中这样的应试教育重灾区,是不可能有时间让人专心搞竞赛的。(像七中这样的学校是不应该这样痴迷于应试教育的,但它却是这样做了,从一个方面我们可以看到它的名声很有水分)我们搞竞赛的完全是以影响正常学习为代价的。
对于我参加的NOIP也是如此,虽然我对编程怀有浓厚的兴趣,但苦于学习压力大(是题海战术造成的不必要的压力),没办法参加中午的培训,因此从来没有获得什么成绩。
肥麟和我很幸运地通过了选拔,同班的其他两位就没有那么幸运了…

论纯朴之人
纯朴之人,从来没有受到现代文明的侵蚀,保持着原始的和谐的生活状态,历来饱受诗人作家的赞颂。但我不认同。纯朴之人,之所以纯朴,乃在于生活环境的物质条件极不发达,常处于饥饿的状态,终日担忧农作物的收成,如畜牲一般生存着,从没有对身边的事情作过哪怕一点思考。这种人没有心计,乃是因为心计在那个地方是危险的。但这些人其实并没有做人原则,凭借的只是动物性的导向,他们做的某些极不人道的事也是可以理解的。在别有用心的人的诱导下,纯朴的人可以相信任何事情,而从不怀疑;可以成为残忍凶暴的人,因为他其实不知道什么是残暴,他只跟随动物性的引导。

体育
周四1000米测验,离合格时间还有18秒。

制度,制度!腐朽的…
教育制度,已经说过无数次了,现在还是要说。我知道这样抱怨并不能解决问题,的确是的,像中国教育制度那样的病入膏肓,是很难改变的。但我仍然坚持,这是一种声音,我要表达自己的声音。我知道这样做不会有什么效果,但持续的声音将形成一股压力,逼迫有关部门改变。
这个教育制度的确已经到了病入膏肓的地步,所谓的改革只会恶性循环;无论改与不改,教育部门都整天一幅官僚的脸面,从来没有把学生当人看。现在的应试教育,不但没有缓和的趋势,还在逐步加强。美其名说竞争大,不过是借口,其实教育部门在其中不知道赚取了多少利益。
记得初中时看到某班的黑板报写着“考试平时化,平时考试化”,心想应试教育的厚颜无耻已经到了一个新的地步!以前还会用“素质教育”的虚假面具遮羞,尚有羞耻之心。现在终于撕破了遮羞布,到处宣传自己的必然性,大有复兴科举之势。
今天下午测物理时,楼下不时传来一阵喧闹声,原来是初三的体育模拟考。初三毕业班本来就让应试教育折磨得不像人样,还有一早一晚接受应试的体育训练,使得身体和心理双重劳累。这个体育训练,早已经失去了原来的意义。全面发展,现在成为了对学生的全面折磨,制度的腐朽味道已经越来越浓烈了。
制度的问题,不只局限在教育,中国的所有制度都有问题。问题的根源在于…