224 Dreams, Frustrations and the Absurd

The dreams I am going to talk about are dreams in the literal sense, not ambitions or ideals.

For me, dreams can be wonderful, but sometimes they can be extremely frustrating. In fact, frustrating dreams impress me more than wonderful dreams do. One major recurrent theme in my frustrating dreams is being late for school. This is intriguing because I cannot even recall a single instance of being late for school in my real life, excluding undergraduate time of course.

There are two major variants in my being late dream. The first variant is that many things happened to me, preventing me from even getting out of my home, let alone going to school. All kinds of annoying things could delay me, such as not being able to find the textbooks. In the second variant, the situation was ridiculous. The bus I took (in real life I didn’t take bus to school, I always walked) did not arrive at the right station. There were a lot of things on the way distracting me. Sometimes I could not recognized the correct routes to school. Sometimes, the whole city was restructuring itself to work against me! This is plainly absurd! When I read Kafka’s novels, like the Castle and the Trial, I was amazed that the frustrating situations encountered by protagonist resemble to the situations in being late dreams. The short story the Metamorphosis, also by Kafka, provides another good example. The protagonist woke up one day and found himself transformed into a insect-like creature, but he still tried to tackle the situation like he did before. At the end he died.

Those dreams also reminded me of a philosophical concept, the Absurd. While there are many versions of the definition for absurd, I prefer the one used by Albert Camus, in his book The Myth of Sisyphus. (Translated loosely from the Chinese version) The Absurd is the conflict between man’s desire to understand the world and the world’s silent refusal to be understood. This silent refusal sometimes may resemble a invisible hand preventing you from achieving anything significant, like I being kept from arriving on time for school in my dreams. I also like the way Sartre phrased the Absurd. He said, (also translated loosely from the Chinese version) Absurd is a state that there are no sufficient reasons for everything in the world to exist in the way they are; everything is contingent.

The second kinds of frustrating dreams can be roughly described in the following sentences. In the dream, I remembered there were something interesting, such as things and books, in a particular place and I was going there to buy it. When I arrived at the destination, I could not spot the thing I desired. Then I discovered something similar but less desirable, so I continued searching for something better. As I searched, the interesting but less desirable books or the items started to transform something mundane. In the end, everything at the place lost their appeals. I cannot find a word to express my frustrations at that moment. The interpretation of this type of dream is actually quite ordinary. It is just the reflection of my hesitation when facing potentially important decisions.

I just checked the site stats. It is still in the well of gravity, so I offer a bonus to my readers who took pain to go through the paragraphs above. I will describe my most frustrating “spring” dream. I will skip the offensive details. So there were me and another female. We were going to have some action. As I stripped off her clothes, her breasts transformed to a flat male chest before I could even touch them. Similarly, the female genitals transformed into male genitals. Could you imagine a situation which is more frustrating than that?

223 damage

Things can be ironic. On the one hand, I hope my blog can be as influential as possible, on the other hand, I hope the damage inflicted by some of my articles is minimal. In fact, it is more easier to do damage than having positive influence on others.

I complained a lot in the early days of my blog. The first few articles in this blog actually did quite a lot of damage. In an article which was deleted long ago, I complained about my life in the primary school and claimed that some of my classmates should be held responsible for my misery. I forgot what I wrote until one day I invited one of my former classmates to visit my blog. Immediately she expressed her anger because she was one of the classmates I resented in that article. That was really unexpected.

So these days from time to time I will check my previous articles to see if there are anything damaging, including comments on former classmates, or teachers. If any article was found inappropriate, I will edit it or just directly remove them.

In the first year of my university life, many of my former classmates didn’t seem to understand the difference between UST and any ordinary universities in mainland, except that the tuition fee of UST is much higher. While in some middle schools in GZ, graduates who were admitted by UST, CU or HKU were treated as “celebrities”, I didn’t get any treatment from my middle school. I was so upset then and after some former classmates repeatedly shown interest in the amount of tuition fee I paid, I went so far as to verbally attack them. I don’t want to mention the results. Why did I care about these? After all, I was a person who would go after vanity.

In retrospect, this is really unnecessarily damaging. In fact, I could have done many things much better…

Don’t you think Sunday night is a bit depressing?

222 My Frustration as a Blog Writer(2)

I am writing this in a slightly depressed state.
The Great Firewall imposed by the Chinese government should also share some blame for my blog’s obscurity. These days GFW is blocking my handful of readers off my blog (it seems all wordpress blogs get the same treatment). Even when it is not blocked, the crappy Internet connection in Mainland can be so bad that it can be considered effectively blocked. Once I tried writing in Sina blog. Censorship in mainland is so annoying that I don’t bother to do it. This is the link to my blog on Sina which has not been updated for a while : http://blog.sina.com.cn/cain1jw.

Though my major is physics, I seldom wrote anything about it, nor did I write anything about science. Mostly I wrote about philosophy. Not long ago I realized I didn’t and still don’t know much about philosophy. I will avoid writing philosophy from now on and will only write things that I am familiar. These days I rarely had the urge to write, which is a symptom of mild depression.

The reason why I care my blog so much is that I was not popular and I am still not popular. If you think this reason is a bit shallow, I will immediately provide you another one: my world is always small. I don’t know why but I am always ending up living in a small world, so small that sometimes I felt suffocated. My blog should have been a door to a larger world but my blog has failed me.

So frustrating… so depressing…

221 My Frustration as a Blog Writer

Recent views statistics of my blog shows that I am at the lowest point in my entire blog-writing history. I cannot help complaining.
I treat blog-writing as an important part of my life, so obscurity is definitely not what I want.

But this time I will try to analyze what leads to my frustration:

In the early days of my blog writing, I received much encouragement from my friends, my classmates and even my mother. This is good. But in retrospect, as a starting blog writer, besides encouragements, what I need most is feedback. Without feedbacks I cannot improve. Without feedbacks I don’t know what should I write and how should I write. It’s true that I have got some feedbacks, though very few in number. I have submitted two articles to the mainland student-run magazine, and both of them got accepted. I was glad that they were accepted, but what the hell? I got zero feedback! That was a very frustrating experience for which I don’t write for that magazine anymore. Just a waste of time.

Anyway, besides that visitor who routinely wrote me tons of comments, very seldom did I get useful feedback, and without feedback I cannot go any further.

I am so frustrated I cannot write any more.

220 回到原点

我总喜欢刷wordpress的site states,查看最近的访问量。最近几月的访问量很低,似乎是从开始写博以来最低的时段,使得我忍不住说:“由于访问量太少,博主认为不值得再为此花费精神,因此宣布停博。”因为读者太少而收笔合情合理,而且我也是特别在意自己写的东西是否有人看的人,也许这个博客应该就此结束?想了想。不会的。因为我的状态和我创博的时候没什么分别:不幸福、不满足。

最常见的一种幸福观是,我们(特别是像我这样可以经常在网上闲逛的人)拥有这么多,而许多人甚至连一些我们认为理所当然的东西也没有,所以我们应该觉得幸福,至少应该感恩。如果我们还敢说自己不幸福,家长们也许会跳出来介绍他们的历史。我承认,从反右和文革幸存下来的每个人都很不了起,但这一切都不能成为感到幸福的理由。有些人兜售这么一种幸福观,即从自己身边的人的相对优越感里获取幸福。这有个很大的漏洞,即许多人注定没有幸福。有人举例说明,存在这么一种情况,其中每个人相对其他人都有一种优越感,于是每个人都能感到幸福。我不知道他有没有留意到在他的例子里每个人的优越感都是幻觉,于是他们的幸福也是幻觉。我再提供一种幸福观:你应该因为有人嫉妒你这个事实而感到幸福⋯⋯什么?为自己的优越条件而高兴,这种将近幸灾乐祸的感觉能够当作幸福?因自己拥有太多的愧疚感能够当作幸福?优越感能当作幸福?那种屁民式的侥幸能够当作幸福?这所有的幸福观都有一种致命的弱点,因为幸福跟别人的人生无关,比较不能产生幸福。幸福感应该是这么一种感觉,即一天完结,你觉得如果接下来的人生都和今天一模一样,这一生值了,这就是幸福。当我回忆起来,我似乎找不到一点幸福的痕迹。 继续阅读


lang的dicussion终于完结了,feedback是3个very good,高兴了2个小时左右吧,然后情绪又开始回落了。一则在polung的堂3个very good实在不算什么,二来想到期末考试的压力都很大,因为期中有两科都考得爆差,直接给期末制造压力。

看完了《谍中谍》,故事峰回路转,可是人物塑造就比较失败。可能是要配合剧情的关系,纵观整部电影来看,所有人,包括主角,都是变色龙,又或者太过单薄。总之角色都缺乏说服力。Tom Cruise的表演水平虽说不差,但没什么出彩的地方(其实汤哥主演的大部分电影都是这种情况)。整部电影也缺少能让人记住的经典台词。

133 继续咳嗽



The Fifth Weekend